I started developing symptoms of mental illness when I was in medical college. I had periods of great sadness in which I didn’t want to do anything or meet with anyone. I started coping with these periods using different substances. I finally went to a mental health professional in second year after I crashed and was unable to give my second year MBBS exams. I was diagnosed with depression and the psychiatrist started me on flux. This helped me initially, but then it made me worse. I began to get these phases of great hyperactivity and impulsivity because of which I hurt a lot of people and ruined several relationships. I finally crashed again in the middle of my third year and was admitted in the psych ward.
I was diagnosed with various illnesses after that like bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and schizo-affective disorder and given cocktails of different medications and yet my condition wasn’t improving. I later realized that it was because I thought it was a purely biological disease and a life-long chronic illness which made me lose hope. It was only when I understood that this illness was a sign that some of my emotional and social needs weren’t being met,and began focusing on those needs that I really began to recover.
I faced a lot of stigma – both societal and self-stigma – and I think it was very good because it was conducive to character building. Societal stigma included the perceptions and behavior of the people around me. I was accused of seeking attention and told that it is all in my head. This also increased self-stigma and I began to consider myself good for nothing and how I won’t be able to become a functional member of society. I initially felt that since it was a biological disease and a life-long chronic disease, I won’t be able to get better and that’s why I also contemplated suicide. But then I thought that it may be a chronic illness, but I can do something with the skills that I have and with the knowledge that I have gained through it. That’s when I decided to figure out how to convert this experience into something which could be beneficial for the world.
In 2014 I was in fifth year of medical school. I was sitting in a room in the boy’s hostel with some friends. One of my friends suddenly looked up from his phone and showed us the Facebook status of a boy in a junior class. In the status the boy was talking about how sad and depressed he had been feeling and how he wanted to end his life. My friends started laughing and making fun of him for his ‘attention seeking’ antics. Nervously, I started laughing as well and called the boy a wimp for sharing his feelings like that because I didn’t want my friends to know that I had been in the same position myself.
I recalled a day 3 years back when I was sitting in my room depressed, broken and having pushed away everyone who cared about me. For quite some time, the only friends I had were cigarettes, Xanax and other substances. But that day the darkness was particularly overwhelming and I remember deciding to end it and overdosing on Xanax. And as I slowly lost consciousness I remember feeling very angry. Angry that I was alone. That there was no one there for me.
As I remembered this feeling, I began to feel a lot of empathy for the boy who had reached out for help through his Facebook status. This act of his gave me a lot of courage and I marched to his room, introduced myself, told him my story and told him it was going to be ok. I can never forget his reaction to my behaviour. He started crying and thanked me for making him feel that he wasn’t alone. That day changed my life. As a result, I founded Taskeen and embarked on this journey of redefining health and wellbeing in the modern world. This really helped me a lot, because I realized that I can be a functional member of society. This realization gave me a lot of courage and that’s how I overcame the self-stigma. Once you overcome the self-stigma, societal stigma is much easier to overcome.
Something I would like to share with those who are suffering is that think of the suffering as a sign that something is wrong with you and take it as an opportunity to fix your life, rather than dulling it or trying to run away from it. If you are suffering then some of your physical, mental, emotional, social or spiritual needs may not be being met and so you need to nourish these aspects by looking after your health, adopting healthy coping skills, seeking meaningful working opportunities, improving your relationships or connecting with the cosmic consciousness that moves the universe and resides in each one of us.