When a human goes through a loss, an irreplaceable loss, it is natural to go through the phase of bereavement. Bereavement is turned into grief because it is evident that a person who has lost something will feel its ache for the rest of his life. When a person goes through the pain of losing someone, especially after sudden and traumatic deaths, first, they go through the phase of denial, which has a close relationship with the phase of bereavement. Bereavement does change into grief after sometimes, which is associated with post-traumatic growth. Still, the magnitude and duration of how fast the grieving person comes back to life are dependent on the behaviour of the people in the surrounding.
Unfortunately, in our country, we ignore behavioural studies, so most don’t know how to deal with grieving people. Grief is a feeling that tears the heart of the one going through it. The feeling is born after processing multiple feelings and finally accepting the loss. Acceptance doesn’t come overnight. It takes time, and when finally the person has accepted the tragedy, the phase of bereavement comes into the picture, which is later transformed into grief. The feeling of grief should never be mixed with guilt, which is the responsibility of people around the grieving person.
Our culture of consoling the grieving person is wrong on so many levels.
When a person passes away, the loved ones are in a trauma only the people who have suffered a similar loss can understand. The rest of us, who have not gone through similar pain, are not in a position to advise them anything. This is the reason why the first thing we should do is to listen to them patiently. They can be angry; they can be in a state of denial, they can either cry their hearts out or go quiet. At times like these, people often try to make them cry forcefully, which is wrong. You don’t know the state of their minds. Hence, all you should do is make sure you’re there and allow them to deal with this situation the way they want.
Don’t ask them to have patience at that time. When a person is suffering through the pain of losing someone, his mind is not able to register any suggestion like that. When visit grieving people, most of us ask them to have patience and be strong for other people, which is a disastrous mistake. Why? Because the person is not in a state to carry the burden of other people. This suggestion doesn’t make anything more manageable for them. Instead, it just adds up into the pile of their worries. Moreover, when people inquire about the cause of death, they often end up saying, “oh, you should have taken this option, you might have saved him/her,” “oh, I went through a similar situation, but I came out alive.” This is the worst thing you can say to the grieving people.
Please know that you were not present at the moment they were dealing with. They did what they thought was right and it was correct. Statements like these give birth to negative thoughts, which might cause guilt, and then the grief will be complicated, messing up with the post-traumatic growth. In the phase of post-traumatic growth, there can be points where a grieving person can go back to square one, something as tiny as losing a thing can remind them of their trauma. They can be angry and say things they don’t mean, don’t tell them they are ungrateful, don’t say mean things back to them. Understand that their loss is huge, and it will take time to grow out of it.
Listen, process, implement. The world needs more listeners and fewer advisers.
About the Writer
Aleezeh Fatimah Hashmi
The writer is a medicine student, an aspiring creative writer, a public speaker, an amateur speech therapist and a communication skills coach.
The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of Taskeen. If you want to write for Taskeen, please email your blog at haadi@taskeen.org