Everyone’s life story is very subjective. My entire experiences have been very personal for many reasons, they are very subjective to the point that certain events, locations or incidences did for me what they may not do for you or someone else.
The reason I would like to share my story is also a selfish one: it feels good to be honest. When I tell people my story, it reassures me more that I have done the right thing. It gives me strength, energy, confidence.
But where do I start? Basically, I was born. My childhood was just the best. If I look back at this age – I am 31 years old now – the best years were from the day I was born until being eleven years old. You are the purest, you are living so free when you are young. You literally are who you are and act out who your inner self is.
My phase from 12 until about 20 was the complete opposite. I started drifting. I went off, took loads of drugs, started getting into girls. I am not saying it wasn’t nice, it was. But it changed me as a person. It made me drift away from who I really was. I started smoking when I was 14, took drugs, smoked lots of hash. The only reason to get high was that I wanted to get to that elevated state of mind, the normal state was not attractive. If I can remain in this unnatural state of being and it’s so much better, why ever be in the normal state of mind?
When I ended up being at university in England, things went out of control. The cocaine, heroin, the LSD, the mushrooms, the acid, the amphetamines, the ketamine, the speed, the pills – we popped pills as we were having sweets. I was high, non-stop, for months. My phase was comparatively short, but really intense. Although drugs kept me in this elevated state of mind, they trapped me in believing that this is everything. My opinion is that you have a capacity and with drugs you may reach certain higher levers in some aspects of your capacity. But there are other capacities – in your mind, consciousness and body – that you are actually suppressing.
One day I woke up and my inner alarm bells started ringing. This is not you, I said to myself. Then this whole bloody journey of understanding of who I am started. I stopped the drugs. I didn’t go to rehab, I did not take any medication, but I met somebody in my early twenties: a really close friend of mine. He’s like an angel, like an older brother, like a father, a grandfather figure. He started teaching me about life, about psychology, about the human mind and soul. Everything. He had a lot of wisdom and knowledge. He dissected my entire existence. I didn’t go to professional therapy or a psychiatrist, but him being so wise, I found a mentor. With his help, I spent eight years trying to rediscover myself and find out what truly motivates me and what I am truly passionate about. Since then, until where I am now with 31, it is literally just grounding. Building the foundation and making it stronger. I have been working out mentally the last three years – I go to the mental gym every day. With your muscles, you don’t just go to the gym one day and expect to be like Bruce Lee or whoever you admire.
I truly believe that if you think of something, it can turn into reality. If you are a negative person, constantly miserable, you will attract that and that will manifest in your life in a physical form. I always used to find the negative in something. My mentor kept saying: ‘This is because you are not changing your thoughts.’ And I used to think: What do thoughts have to do with action? I couldn’t make the link. But eventually, through teaching and time, I am lucky that it happened. So when I came back to Pakistan, I saw all the mental issues that I had, all the kind of things that disturbed me and which drifted me away from the first eleven years of my life: my benchmark.
In my childhood, I loved gardening, animals, trees, outdoor stuff, the ocean and nature. I was so compassionate. This love for nature, the environment, trying to help – it is now my benchmark to go back to these inner characteristics of that time. Those individual personalities, find them, nurture them and build on them and I will become whole again. I never used to have a negative thought. I remember being so positive about everything.
When I moved here, I realised that I am so far away from this. Now I am taking each of my problems and take something from my childhood self and try to fix what bothers me about myself currently. The shocking part comes only now though: it works. I am using my childhood self. It’s like a video game where you have a toolbox to get powers. My childhood is my toolkit, I was born with it.
If there is something I would like to share with others, it is this: Don’t be afraid, but face your fears. Nothing will happen. Mental health issues, our own issues, the moment we face and defeat them, we become strong. All this positivity trapped within a mental illness is suddenly released, and all the negative stuff goes away.
A lot of people have this block where they don’t face the problem. They put it under the carpet, they suppress it in fear of stigma. Face your fears in your own thoughts, face your demons, fight them. Whatever issues you have, speak to someone about them. Speaking about them makes you address the problem.
Be responsible for your problems and your life. If you have a problem, don’t blame me for it, or that guy, or this women, or this event or that circumstance. We can always find something to blame. Just be responsible for everything. If I am sad, that is me – this is my responsibility. If I feel truly responsible for how I am right now, I can literally change it. I think therefore I am. Don’t wait for the environment to change, change yourself.