I’m Jabeen. I’m an illustrator and blogger. I live with my mother and sister. I like cooking and reading in my free time.
I have suppressed myself my entire life. Maybe it was the environment I was brought up in. I was always tired and down. There was a vacuum in my heart. And then there was a time I gave up on life. I saw no hope and point in living. I saw no future. I felt like a huge failure because I had no job and people my age had friends, hung out, had jobs and had a full family. Whereas my family felt incomplete ever since my father passed away and I had terrible anxiety going out with friends or just talking in general. I would have panic attacks in the middle of the day, especially when I would go out in crowded places. I had a lack of appetite and no energy. I would just lie in bed all day. I had trouble breathing. I was a disappointment of a daughter. All I wanted was to die.
I had developed stomach ulcer because I took so much stress. I visited my general physician because I felt my soul was leaching and she prescribed me anti-depressants. Going to the hospital so much gave me panic attacks and my condition worsened. My general physician referred me to a psychiatrist and there I found out I had Bipolar Disorder and I started therapy.
I realized just medicines weren’t going to fix me. I had spent so many years being so dull and lost, I wanted to get better. Through therapy I started seeing hope in life again. I wanted to live. I remembered who I was and what my goals and dreams were. I started working out and eating healthy. I started writing my feelings on my blog every day. That was a safe space for me to express myself. I also created personal illustrations and art projects where I would illustrate about mental illness and my feelings.
The biggest struggle I faced was my family and society accepting my depression. People don’t consider it a disease. They think I’m not trying hard enough or I’m just lazy. Also, being dependent on medications was hard as I realized that I will have to live with this illness my whole life.
For those who are reading this, I just want to tell you 2 things:
1. Don’t suppress yourself. Say what you want to or express yourself in other ways. You’re not helping anybody by keeping quiet, you’re just destroying yourself.
2. Don’t be afraid to go to the doctor if you’ve been down or tired for long. Especially going to a psychiatrist or therapist is such a brave thing. Don’t shy away from it.