I believe the story of my trauma started way longer then I have known but the real signs showed up in October 2015, when I had my first ever panic attack. It was right after a robbery at our place followed by my sister moving away (to Dubai) in September after her wedding.
I was sitting at the dining table, when I felt like my windpipe was blocked or I was probably chocking, I rushed outside gasping for air, but the harder I tried the worse it felt, I felt like I was inside a plastic bag I couldn’t get rid off. After a good 15 mins, I think I finally collapsed and my entire face and body became numb. My family ended up calling an ambulance, got the BP and sugar levels checked, but everything was absolutely normal. Except, I had changed from that day forward.
The reason why I say my trauma has existed way longer then I have known is because I think I’ve always managed to suppress and block my feelings. I’ve always been an introvert, I keep it all to myself. I also feel a lot, I feel others pain along with mine and sometimes theirs more than I can feel my own.
Anyway, if I were to map a timeline I’d say most likely after my father passed away, I was only 7 then. Life as I knew it was no more.
We moved in with my moms side of the family, my mom started working full time, the only person whom I clung on to was my sister. My mom worked at a bank and had long strenuous hours, she would come home exhausted and give us whatever was left of her time. Her weekends would revolve around me and my sister and I think I wouldn’t let go off her during those two days (Weekend).
So basically, after school, my sister and I spent all our time together, we’d play, fight and study. She became my support system and we both heavily relied on each other for everything.
I think after 4 years of what I have been through, my understanding of the trauma is the loss of my father, consequently not having my mother around, living in someone else’s house and never feeling like I belonged and then after whatever I was left with, my sister moving away, it finally just got to me.
Times passed and things were tough, I decided to pursue a degree in law, I put all my focus on it till my goal was achieved. During this time I think I kept myself so occupied that I didn’t have time to think of anything other then my education. Although previously, throughout my teenage years, I was a very sick child, almost every month I would end up in the hospital due to food poisoning, gastroenteritis, jaundice, H-pylori and various other not so lethal illnesses.
So much so, that now I detest hospitals and visiting doctors.
Similarly, when I started with my attacks, I was very much against taking medicines, I was okay with anything herbal, organic or therapeutic, but medicines, doctors and hospitals were a big no-no.
_So October 2015 onwards I started having panic attacks, initially, it was once a week for a period of 6 months, increasing to every single day after that. My life became an instant nightmare because every day I would just wait for the attack to happen. Making my body numb, my muscles would tighten and i would just end up exhausted instantly. I constantly felt like my brain was suffocated, inside a plastic bag or underwater, and there was no way of making the feeling go away.
Along with my attacks, I started with severe anxiety. Every second of every day would pass with me ticking like a time bomb, ready to explode or fall apart. So much so that I would wake up exhausted and go to bed exhausted.
All my energy was to hold myself together the entire day so the world wouldn’t see me fall apart. I use to feel embarrassed and scared, I didn’t like feeling vulnerable.
I had to switch my job because I just needed a change, I thought if I quit work completely I’d probably go crazier.
As time passed my mental health deteriorated and life changed accordingly, I made excuses to socialize, every time my friends kept a gathering, I’d freak out at the last minute and make an excuse or go for some time and rush back home.
Everyday things like picking an outfit for the office, deciding on menu, making a call or anything as simple as having a conversation became a nightmare. I chose to stay by myself isolated myself more and did everything to avoid human contact. I stuck to my routine like a robot and dreaded do anything over and above.
Meanwhile, I saw numerous doctors, tried a couple of things, but nothing seemed to help even the slightest bit.
I started working out, and for a while, it was going well, till things started falling apart, my body would collapse and I couldn’t keep up.
After 2.5 years of attacks and anxiety, came depression and blackouts. I started crying like crazy and having blackouts (fainting) for a brief period every single day! Just collapse out of nowhere! The attacks became lesser but the blackouts happened every single day. This went on for another 1.5 years.
In this time I gained weight and was body-shamed almost everywhere I went. It was like suddenly everyone was allowed to express their opinion on my body fat. Things became worse and my confidence was at an all-time low.
It’s been over 4 years now, I still have attacks, anxiety, blackouts and depression but occasionally, making it no less terrorizing. But I have come a long way and probably have a long way to go! _
_The first step to overcoming my condition was acceptance, from within at least. I think it took me 6-8 months to grasp and understand my condition.
After the first 2 years, I finally got the hang of it. I started analyzing my phases, I think of them as waves, so my ups were good, calmer and less painful, but also lasted for a shorter time period.
But the lows were really low, they were dark, consuming and extremely exhausting! So much so that I would not be able to think of anything other than ending my life.
My mind and body both would not allow me to live a full life. I could not think straight, my thoughts were hazy and disconnected.
So it felt like a constant battle of trying to come out of quicksand, but the harder I tried the worse it would feel.
To be very honest I gave up one too many times!_
_My mother has been a constant pillar and support system throughout my journey. I feel lucky to have someone who changed herself in order to accommodate my needs. She stood by me and tried to understand all of it no matter how worse things got. A lot of people had a lot of things to say to her but she stood her ground and protected me always.
My husband who came during my journey and made it so much easier for me, by accepting me before I could accept myself, by loving me before I loved myself and by giving me the courage to believe in myself. He never judged, questioned or even for once made me feel out of place. In fact, he was there with me in the emergency rooms, during my worst phases and kept holding on to me through the storm.
Therapy which has helped me tremendously, I started therapy in January 2017, but unfortunately had a bad experience, but then I think in 2018 I found this amazing human being who has worked her miracle on me. From switching jobs to dealing with every day and during the time of my wedding. I think she has helped me balance myself, think things through and to actually evolve my mindset.
Lastly, some friends who’ve kept a regular check and didn’t make it feel or sound awkward ever. Who was genuinely concerned and did not judge just because they did not know what I was going through._
_I think the most important thing is to just believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel even if you can’t see it or feel it. Life is tough as it is and we can either make it worse or just go with the flow.
I know its easier to say it now but even when it all seems lost, just believe. Live in the now.
Surround yourself with the right people, people who’re willing to check up on you, willing to put aside their egos and just be there for you.
Also once in a while it’s okay to be selfish, to think about your own needs and prioritize yourself.
Lastly, always know there is no shame in seeking help!_